Follow the Leader

It's nice to know that when you've been following blindly and a sliver of light is shed on your path you are assured that you are in fact going the right direction. You see I'm discovering that life is impromptu. I might actually be ahead of the game... Consider me, following faithfully with my eyes wide shut.

Today was a positive day. I accomplished much at work. Made my bosses proud and even got out early. I failed to prepare an audition song for my theatre class and ended up singing "When I Fall In Love" very last minute. It was wonderful though (God is continually good). After class my teacher pulled me aside and said that she thinks I should sing the only solo in our whole production. JOYGASM!!!! She said she still had to figure things out for casting, but GOSH golly darn it, I pray that it works out.

Although I still don't have a clue what I'm doing with myself, I'm quite comfortable knowing that I'm going the right way. Lead on Father, lead on.

warning

if you wake up someday and realize that you're fat, don't worry. it's ok. the thing to watch out for is a death device called the cabbage soup diet. it lasts a week. and if you're ever tricked into doing it, kill yourself. or atleast scrape off your taste buds.

(gosh i love myself...)

Simple Pleasures. They are due

It really doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. I could be thinking about deep passionate wonders or skimming the surface of the most shallow thought waters. But whenever Ignition by R. Kelly hits the speakers the only thing I can think to do is grin. I even forget my professed inability to dance. I love that song. I'm groovin just thinking about it.

Passion

My thoughts have been guided towards this subject of late. Since I can't divulge the conversations between my heart and mind, I leave you with the words of those who have been able to do so of theirs.

It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.
-Rebecca West

Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.
-Thoreau

Passion is universal humanity. Without it religion, history, romance and art would be useless.
-Balzac

Passions unguided are for the most part mere madness.
-Thomas Hobbes

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-W.J. Bryan

Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!
-Marcus Aurelius

He's got the whole world

today i had the chance to visit a sunday church. man, their music was amazing. hopefully i'll get a chance to perform there. but for the time being i think i'll settle for a chance to play in one of their jam session/practices. it was church but i was envious of the lead guitarist, standing there leading out the praise and worship. oh, but i've coveted that spot for a while...

God is a stealthy sneak. Today's sermon was on passion. What a theme He has set my heart to. What a theme...

reaching

there was a moment of weakness but i'ts ok now. God willing

loops

I have never worn belts before. Sometimes you can go to a store and buy a pair of jeans that comes with a nifty matching belt and styled out belt buckle. I love accessories tho. Shoes, hats, bags, bracelets, earrings, but belts? Not so much. I wasn't at all happy to discover that part of the uniform at Applebees is to tuck your shirt in and wear a belt. Yeah, tucking my shirt in has NEVER happened, not even by mistake. *sigh. So I have to do it and I thought I would hate it but there is one thing I have come to love. I love the sound of the belt buckle when I'm taking it off. The the sound of the metallic clinking and the weight of it. Strange? Possibly, I think think it's nice.

saving grace?

Lately I've been quite down. What has normally been bubbely, happy, self assured, Crystal has been reduced to sad, moody, self deprecating, Crystal. Against myself but quite easily I've been sulking around the house. My mom has attempted to make friendly and light hearted conversation but all I can do is snap back, withdraw, or become extremely defensive. I'm not happy. But tonight a good friend reminded me of Romans 12:12. There is hope isn't there? God hasn't left me, has He? And in the words of Mary Mary, "I've Come to far from where I've started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far, to leave me." This particular friend also said, and I'm sure it was the phrase that threw the life presever around my sinking heart thus returning it to a comfortable bob above the waters, "if you rush the building, it will collapse." I still feel like poo, but atleast I know there has to be some kind of redemption planned for my bobbing heart. *sigh, God is bigger...

bee my apple's

today i worked at the bee of appples. i wore the uniform, complete with slip resistant shoes. it was ok. i'm sure the job isn't to taxing for me to display my brilliance. secret shopper? bring it on!

what's really great about working there is knowing that off in the country of OK there is a wifey doing the same job as i, in the same family restaurant. joy...

i'll get the hang of it. I WILL!

The Breakup (sans vince vaughn & jennifer aniston)

Friday night I broke up with Adam. I was surprised at how easy it really was. Though the mental process of working myself up to completing the task was quite taxing. I remember being at the gym 4 hours before the phone call. The machines that I work out on all have hand sensors so that you can manage your heart rate according to your exercise requirements (140-160=weight loss, 160-180=cardio fitness... bla bla) And every time the music on my Ipod came to a lull I would remember the task I had set myself to and noticed how the heart rate meter on the exercise machine spiked for two or three seconds and then resumed it's previous pattern. Even without the sensors tracking my hearts progress I could feel my chest skip ahead in rhythm. At some moments my breath was completely lost to me.
I don't believe many people laugh through their break ups, much less call back to make sure everything is OK with their immediate ex... But that's how it went. I must say that upon the click of the phone I felt lighter. I even felt silly that I was grinning, kind of like laughing at a funeral... Do people do that? Is it OK? As naturally as we fell into it, we fell out of it. *sigh...
Well we are still friends. It's hard to sum up and return 6 months of steady communication with one person, so the census on the relationship mutually gathered by the both of us was, "not now..." **sigh whatever that means, right?
I just know that there are things I have to do for me right now. (Tending to life...) And if I don't see him sooner, say at a dinosaur museum in NYC, then I'll see him in a months time at the JT concert in New Jersey.
It is what it is. And I quote from 13 Going On 30 starring Jennifer Garner "Love is a battle field ladies!" hahahaa... and of course, the laughter must go on.

Shout Out

This is a shout out to the great loves in my life.
This is a declaration of my appreciation
This is a show and tell, a recognition of much deserved accolades

I owe my sanity to my Wifey. Wificus Maximus. Becky. ReBekah Anne Bickerstat. Rebekh
I owe my light hearted laughter to A-Lace. Adam Lacey Panties. Adament.
I owe my easy conversations to Buddy, Budah, Buddy the Great, Boodwah.
I owe spontaneous deep indulgences to Ali, Alison, Ali Poo, AliSone, Shwatzenager

Not to forget those who just help me along, unnecessarily wonderfully loving me in the smallest and largest friendship ways.. mole, nunz, yves, jb, adrianne, kayla, kyla, shaun, ale, adam

Life is Bigger because you share yourselves with me. And so you see, I know without a doubt, that I am blessed. God has smiled on me.

i've learned a lesson

Have you ever noticed how dirty life is? It's so gritty... and to get anywhere you have to go through the poop of it all. When God made flowers, he really knew what this world would be for us. Daisies, Dandelions turned white, and Tulips. Crazy beautiful flowers. But they all grow from the dirt; the grit. They claim their spots in this world by shoving their little heads from between rocks and roots, leaves and weeds, searching for the sun. Sometimes I feel like a flower, before it's become anything. The one that is still a seed under all the dirt and grime of life. But like a flower, the seed is well equipped with the knowledge that if you keep your nose pointed towards the Sun, and let your roots soak up as much good as they can find from the gritty soil, your journey will allow you to bloom spectacularly. It's sad though, that flowers have such short existences. To try so hard, succeed so wonderfully, and then fade away so readily can make you think the process is not worth the effort. Maybe even to consider the prolonged yet useless existance of a weed. But that's what life is, isn't it? Just temporary. Beauty never lasts and the struggle is all we know. If we try to hold on to the beauty, it's like saying we claim this earth; this empty and disposable home. It's worth it though, right? To be a flower is a great and wonderful thing. I also think that being able to let go is a great and wonderful thing. But that's just what I've learned from flowers...

good things

Because I have to wake up at 7am to take mom to work, I console myself knowing that by the time i get home I'll have just enough time to find some breakfast and settle down to watch As Told By Ginger. I love that cartoon.

Cadburry Eggs are from heaven. HEAVEN

I start work Sunday.

God is bigger than the Boogy Man.

Oh Dear Me

Ever since baby Vany came into our lives the over all mood in the house has been just a little bit lighter for everyone, except Alexus. She's just plane jealous. Since when does a family dog have emotion enough to be jealous of a baby? I don't know. I'm not even sure she knows entirely what is swaddled in the bundle of blankets that raptures our attention. Attention that has rightfully been given to her for the past month and a half. Alexus has found polite energetic ways to harass Vany. Viola and I left the room for a brief moment only to come back to find Alexus, hind legs on couch, front paws hanging over the edge of the babies bassinet, sniffing and licking at whatever article of clothing or flesh came in contact with her snout. We are convinced that if we had come any later the puppy would have descended into the babies bed and launched herself into a condescending lecture composed of sniffing, licking, nose prodding, and barking. Silly thing. As if to say "I am the Queen of this Coop!" hahahahaa. Silly puppy, cribs are for kids...

loveMEleaveMEletMEbeLONELY

i've decided that it's about time i made friends at school. honestly, it was great to be a loner for a while but i'm not built this way! i'm meant for social butterflying and many a moments pleasure found in anothers immediate attention and comradery. *sigh, but then again, i'm enjoying my freedom. maybe what i really want is an acquaintance. just a tiny flirtation of interest from another soul. maybe a giggle here, an expectant smiling face there... someone to notice when i show up to class. *sigh. must myspace be my only friend?!

one up

you know what i like? i like that i never know what i'm going to be doing the next day. it's a nice change

what's a gal to do

POTENTIAL CAREERS:

• Opera Singer
• Broadway Performer
• Touring Vocal Artist
• Writer of Grand and Wondrous Things
• Music Therapist
• Accountant (hahah, got ya!)
• ...or i could... work at blockbuster for the rest of my life

So my convenient prayer is for God to push me in a direction. I prayed that and then I got a new guitar. Haha, maybe that was more my doing than His. But GOLLY, what IS a person to DO?

Just Wait

Viola gave birth to Vernica Hope today at 5:50pm. She's beautiful. A little over 7 pounds. Imagine that...

small thoughts

Mom woke me up at 2am to go to the hospital with Viola. We were there till around 4:30 before they sent us home again. That was the 2nd time we showed up and the baby wasn't ready. HoHum. Today mom left again with Viola at 7am, after a long sleepless night. And now we wait.

Something happened while we were at the hospital early this morning. I noticed how nice the RN who was taking care of Viola was. It seems to be that nurses and doctors are generally nice people (gasp? yeah i know..). I used to hate hospitals. In fact I never ever wanted to work in one. (still not convinced) But for the first time I saw what a hospital really is. It's not the bad lighting, the tiled floors and long corridors. It's not the dials and the equipment and bio hazard trash cans. Not at all. It's the people. I've been going to a hand therapist for my football injured pinky for about a month and the Doctor keeps saying that his work isn't an exact science. Well it seems to be that it can also be said for all of medicine. Watching shows like House, Scrubs, and Grays Anatomy really proves that doctors and nurses do a whole lot of guess work. The friendly RN last night commented on how she was a happy to be a baby nurse. At one point she had switched to the Chemo Therapy ward and left after finding it to depressing. Wow, these people have feeeelings?! It's not just blood, guts, bandages, and dosages measured out in "cc's" (yeah, i don't know). I have NEVER been interested in medicine, but finally seeing past the sterile hospital haze of cold instruments and gloved hands gives me a new respect for these people... and just one more thing to think about.

The Big Scheme

In the realm of understanding life and the process of living we mustn't forget that
We are, after all, just humans...