Thursday, April 17, 2008
Strapped
Inside there is a war over my soul. It sounds melodramatic but I can feel the battle being fought in my subconscious. I'm often thrown into deeply disturbed moods. When I am there my body is next to immobile. It's as if all my energy is so consumed by these mental fits of rage that I can't control myself. These are short depressions that leave me stained with frustration. I can't seem to work it out. In my mind I am arguing about simple things, fundamental principles to my beliefs and even the way the world works. Yes, I am annoyed with school, I have questions about the church, but that has never put my day at such a dark stand still that I feel as if I couldn't continue. I've been thinking about it, and praying, and the only way I can ever get out of my mental arrest is through prayer or sleep. Whatever it is, the battle belongs to the Lord. This too shall pass.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
It's a bit sappy, but what the heck
This morning I met Jesus at the beach. There he was riding up to greet me on the frizzy seems of the waves. So I sat barefoot hugging my knees, my sandals wedged under my butt, and watched him come. He soaked right into the sand and shells at the tips of my feet. I dug my toes deep into the beach to catch the traces of his salty oceanness. And then with a sigh I was overcome. “My God is beautiful,” I thought. I knew it so hard, so truthfully right then.
To my right my footsteps were disappearing into the soft surf from where I had walked from the hotel. The lawn chairs, tikki huts, and sky scraping hotels, grated roughly against the natural serenity I had ventured into at my spot by the rocks. But I knew my God had been here first, and would be here last. Again, I knew this so hard it quaked a shiver over my sun warmed shoulders. And I knew His love was the sun and His energy made manifest around me in the crisp morning light was his perfect way of spending time with me. Then he did the softest thing. He came right up and hugged me, starting out by my ankles, working his way along the lightly forested plains of my arms, into my sleeves and swooping up to plant nice salt spackled kisses along my hairline and face. He was so warm, so cool—all at once my sun ray and windy breeze. Sometimes when you forget yourself you become so happy it radiates from the pours of your skin. When I think about coming into that feeling of bliss I get the picture of walking out into an endless meadow of flowers after treading bare foot on a dusty rock ridden path. I’m almost too scared to let my bruised feet walk far into spongy meadow for fear that it will turn back into rocky path before my aching feet have regained their strength. It scares me a bit, as if I’m on the edge of happiness, as if I’ve stumbled across something so rare, so frail it could crumble into itself and disappear at any moment. That’s how I felt sitting there, God playing with my hair and over my tanned skin. I felt like our meeting there was far too rare to ever believe it could just keep on going after the tourists and merchants had arrived to ripen the beach into a trashy, sugar coated version if itself.
The sound of a squawking bird shot through my ears, making me look up from the scab over my fears I had been picking at. It was God grabbing my arm and pulling me farther into that meadow. I followed him willingly. All the while he was saying “Let me show you where else I am. Let me show you how far you can truly walk in this meadow.” My eyes were opened again to his beauty. My shadow a testament to the dawning day, faded softly into the morning. Two coke cans sat like towers on the pebbly shore. A forest of boulders cascaded into the ocean to my left. And there I sat, snug between night time and morning. There I knew he wanted more than just my temporary praise. “If you want me to come everywhere with you, you have to let me inside. You need to let me come along.” I bowed my head to him. But it wasn’t enough. He knew I was hiding. He saw before I could say that there were so many things wedged into that gap that he wanted to fill. Piece by piece he eyed those sensitive parts. He was there and I was there and I couldn’t hide my shame from him. And then I saw my own stupidity wash up like my old dirty laundry onto the shore. Those temporary issues I thought I was fretting over really had nothing to do with anything but my own inability to fix the gap in my soul. One by one he pulled the mess out of me until my heart was an open vessel, a whole and empty cistern waiting to be filled up with all of him and only him. By this time that grassy flower filled plain had grown so big and needy. Then it was just me loosing myself in his presence, falling into the endless plain of him feet first, running in and around and all over it. And I began to know that I would exhaust myself before I exhausted the bliss of that field.
Our conversation, his heart to my heart only rose and fell with the gravity of the oceans waves, rising and falling on themselves and then eating away at both sand and sea life, then spewing back onto the shore, back into itself. And I met him there. I met him in the sky, the mountain lines smug behind the morning mist. The palm trees reaching high into the sky saying “I see you sun and I welcome you today.” I met him in the crevasses of the large sloping rocks. Like giants curled over examining the seaweed and black creepy crabs on each others backs. He stretched out with one arm across the oceans treading wake. And again I thought I couldn’t follow him there. He didn’t care what I thought but brought me out anyway to see how big he really was. I saw his name written in the meeting and separation of the sky and waters. “I Am,” it read in what I was sure was his best cursive. “I Am,” repeated the seagulls as they sailed by the cotton ball clouds, only affirming what I had seemed to miss only moments before. “I Am,” came the echo of the wind lunging like an athlete from mountain to plain to ditch and skidding across the top of the ocean. “I Am,” it finally squeaked from the hinges of my open heart, and began to fill my gaps with spaces of divinity. And I knew him, right there on the simplicity of the beach, on the outskirts of the shoreline in Mexico. And I knew with the severity of a Father loving alike the mistakes and good deeds of his child that He, The Great I Am, could never leave me because he is in me. He is wrapped around my world so tight, so through and through that he can’t leave me. And he won’t even try to.
To my right my footsteps were disappearing into the soft surf from where I had walked from the hotel. The lawn chairs, tikki huts, and sky scraping hotels, grated roughly against the natural serenity I had ventured into at my spot by the rocks. But I knew my God had been here first, and would be here last. Again, I knew this so hard it quaked a shiver over my sun warmed shoulders. And I knew His love was the sun and His energy made manifest around me in the crisp morning light was his perfect way of spending time with me. Then he did the softest thing. He came right up and hugged me, starting out by my ankles, working his way along the lightly forested plains of my arms, into my sleeves and swooping up to plant nice salt spackled kisses along my hairline and face. He was so warm, so cool—all at once my sun ray and windy breeze. Sometimes when you forget yourself you become so happy it radiates from the pours of your skin. When I think about coming into that feeling of bliss I get the picture of walking out into an endless meadow of flowers after treading bare foot on a dusty rock ridden path. I’m almost too scared to let my bruised feet walk far into spongy meadow for fear that it will turn back into rocky path before my aching feet have regained their strength. It scares me a bit, as if I’m on the edge of happiness, as if I’ve stumbled across something so rare, so frail it could crumble into itself and disappear at any moment. That’s how I felt sitting there, God playing with my hair and over my tanned skin. I felt like our meeting there was far too rare to ever believe it could just keep on going after the tourists and merchants had arrived to ripen the beach into a trashy, sugar coated version if itself.
The sound of a squawking bird shot through my ears, making me look up from the scab over my fears I had been picking at. It was God grabbing my arm and pulling me farther into that meadow. I followed him willingly. All the while he was saying “Let me show you where else I am. Let me show you how far you can truly walk in this meadow.” My eyes were opened again to his beauty. My shadow a testament to the dawning day, faded softly into the morning. Two coke cans sat like towers on the pebbly shore. A forest of boulders cascaded into the ocean to my left. And there I sat, snug between night time and morning. There I knew he wanted more than just my temporary praise. “If you want me to come everywhere with you, you have to let me inside. You need to let me come along.” I bowed my head to him. But it wasn’t enough. He knew I was hiding. He saw before I could say that there were so many things wedged into that gap that he wanted to fill. Piece by piece he eyed those sensitive parts. He was there and I was there and I couldn’t hide my shame from him. And then I saw my own stupidity wash up like my old dirty laundry onto the shore. Those temporary issues I thought I was fretting over really had nothing to do with anything but my own inability to fix the gap in my soul. One by one he pulled the mess out of me until my heart was an open vessel, a whole and empty cistern waiting to be filled up with all of him and only him. By this time that grassy flower filled plain had grown so big and needy. Then it was just me loosing myself in his presence, falling into the endless plain of him feet first, running in and around and all over it. And I began to know that I would exhaust myself before I exhausted the bliss of that field.
Our conversation, his heart to my heart only rose and fell with the gravity of the oceans waves, rising and falling on themselves and then eating away at both sand and sea life, then spewing back onto the shore, back into itself. And I met him there. I met him in the sky, the mountain lines smug behind the morning mist. The palm trees reaching high into the sky saying “I see you sun and I welcome you today.” I met him in the crevasses of the large sloping rocks. Like giants curled over examining the seaweed and black creepy crabs on each others backs. He stretched out with one arm across the oceans treading wake. And again I thought I couldn’t follow him there. He didn’t care what I thought but brought me out anyway to see how big he really was. I saw his name written in the meeting and separation of the sky and waters. “I Am,” it read in what I was sure was his best cursive. “I Am,” repeated the seagulls as they sailed by the cotton ball clouds, only affirming what I had seemed to miss only moments before. “I Am,” came the echo of the wind lunging like an athlete from mountain to plain to ditch and skidding across the top of the ocean. “I Am,” it finally squeaked from the hinges of my open heart, and began to fill my gaps with spaces of divinity. And I knew him, right there on the simplicity of the beach, on the outskirts of the shoreline in Mexico. And I knew with the severity of a Father loving alike the mistakes and good deeds of his child that He, The Great I Am, could never leave me because he is in me. He is wrapped around my world so tight, so through and through that he can’t leave me. And he won’t even try to.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Michigan, let me go!
I'm going to Mexico yall! Freedom is mine! This morning I wrote my Lit test on Romantic poetry. Afterwords I went home and started tearing over a bowl of Kashi. AH! The day is finally here. My limbs are extatic, all I want to do is roll up and down the hallways giggling. *sigh. Up until that test I felt as if Berrien Springs were clinging to me like vines. Wrapped around my torso and shoulders I was fighting for breath and freedom. I feel as if nothing can touch me now. And if it weren't for the mud tracks I leave behind on the carpets from class to class I could swear that I'm floating on air. I'm still on the go till 8:30 tonight. I have 3 more papers to write today, but truely, nothing can touch me now. Don't miss me too hard yall. When I come back I'll be sun tanned with a wiff of ocean on my golden skin.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Lap Countdown
Oh yeah, pardon my ranting bellow but I just realized that something wicked awesome happened today. This morning, bright and 8:30 early, I ran 3 miles! YUP! Woke up and went running. I'm used to two miles on a treadmill so running an extra mile around the track was so different. But goodness, I loved the mental shove of those last 4 laps; using my mind to push my body further than it thinks it can go. This is a new discovery for me! HORAH! Gotta prepare for that half marathon. Did I get the runners high? I think so. My calves ache with the fire of a thousand suns but it was totally worth it. I'm ready to do it again!
Help me, I'm melting
So stressed right now. Almost broke down in tears. I'm going to Mexico next week. Of course I'm excited but it sure is throwing a wrench in my semester. So much is due! So little time to do it in. And silly me, I took on another time consuming job. Gotta pay those bills though. *sigh... Dear Jesus, please get me through this week and the week after Mexico. Hell, please get me through the rest of the semester. I'm dying here...
Thursday, March 20, 2008
13 Miles
I've decided I'm gonna run a half marathon October 12th, 2008. At THE CHICAGO MARATHON! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Wish me Luck
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Venting!
It seems like writing a book is so much more than writing a book. I guess it could be compared to making paper snowflakes. You can't start with a snowflake and build it out of scraps. What you have to do is get a whole sheet of paper, fold it up, and cut out what you don't want. Then and ONLY then do you have anything that resembles a snowflake.
Just like this dang book. I have to write and write and write... Just fiction. Stories on the gatekeepers, on the land, on the meaning of the story, on this on that. Not that I'm complaining. I love it! I just wish I could write the story part. That's my favorite part! ahahaa...
A great way to describe it is like rehearsing a grand piece of music that you are going to perform. You definitely make a lot of music in practice, for hours and hours. But all of that practice is wasted music. Nobody hears it or wants to hear it because its full of bad notes and a broken story that doesn't make sense. What people want is the full performance. The grand finale. The part that is perfect and pristine...
But what if music wasn't as fluid as it is now. What if when you made music it stayed in the room. I'm saying what if it were tangible. Well then all that practice would be made and floating around a room! And it would be worthless! And then you'd have to go and do something with it. Maybe even be tempted to salvage some of those bad notes and put it into your finished product simply because you were attached to the idea of them. But nobody wants the practice because it's useless! aaahhh! Writing a book is really writing 5 books and then trimming the fat until it is one book. go figure.
Once again, I love doing it. Heck I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't, but it just takes so much time! Time to figure out what you are saying and where it's going. Time to come up with a world of creativity that people can follow logically. This is so much fun, I just wish it was a quicker process... But then again, marinade is good. Marinade is really good. Let it simmer... in it's juices, and it will be really REALLY GOOD. Know this!
Just like this dang book. I have to write and write and write... Just fiction. Stories on the gatekeepers, on the land, on the meaning of the story, on this on that. Not that I'm complaining. I love it! I just wish I could write the story part. That's my favorite part! ahahaa...
A great way to describe it is like rehearsing a grand piece of music that you are going to perform. You definitely make a lot of music in practice, for hours and hours. But all of that practice is wasted music. Nobody hears it or wants to hear it because its full of bad notes and a broken story that doesn't make sense. What people want is the full performance. The grand finale. The part that is perfect and pristine...
But what if music wasn't as fluid as it is now. What if when you made music it stayed in the room. I'm saying what if it were tangible. Well then all that practice would be made and floating around a room! And it would be worthless! And then you'd have to go and do something with it. Maybe even be tempted to salvage some of those bad notes and put it into your finished product simply because you were attached to the idea of them. But nobody wants the practice because it's useless! aaahhh! Writing a book is really writing 5 books and then trimming the fat until it is one book. go figure.
Once again, I love doing it. Heck I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't, but it just takes so much time! Time to figure out what you are saying and where it's going. Time to come up with a world of creativity that people can follow logically. This is so much fun, I just wish it was a quicker process... But then again, marinade is good. Marinade is really good. Let it simmer... in it's juices, and it will be really REALLY GOOD. Know this!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
www.GrownSmall@blogspot.com
I have a New Blog yall! But it's not just for me. See I've been writing this book "The GateKeepers." It's really a fantstical book. But upon its first rough read with some truely worthy critics I discovered (through there seemingly correct proddings) that the main character was a lot like me. Can I be more vain than to write (a soon to be blockbuster) fictional story centered around my own psyche, past, and present? GOODNESS!
I don't want that. Not even a little. Suri is of her own, she is what I write her to be. And although writers of fiction often syphon details from their own lives to add texture to their works, I have decided to prune off some parts of her character and past. Adding others of course, but the whole surgery is to extract that which relates her to me.
But what to do with this other side of expressivity I obviously need to develop. Subconsciously I needed a way to get these feelings out, to type them and see them in story from. But what now that I have changed parts of Suri? Well the answer is I started a new BLOG!
You can go to it. RIGHT NOW. at www.grownsmall.blogspot.com
It's for everyone who has ever had something to talk about but no desire to ever talk about it. It's all secret and what not, so write something if you will, about your human experience.
The password is redballoon and don't forget to come up with a pseudo name.
Blessings yall! Happy blogging!
I don't want that. Not even a little. Suri is of her own, she is what I write her to be. And although writers of fiction often syphon details from their own lives to add texture to their works, I have decided to prune off some parts of her character and past. Adding others of course, but the whole surgery is to extract that which relates her to me.
But what to do with this other side of expressivity I obviously need to develop. Subconsciously I needed a way to get these feelings out, to type them and see them in story from. But what now that I have changed parts of Suri? Well the answer is I started a new BLOG!
You can go to it. RIGHT NOW. at www.grownsmall.blogspot.com
It's for everyone who has ever had something to talk about but no desire to ever talk about it. It's all secret and what not, so write something if you will, about your human experience.
The password is redballoon and don't forget to come up with a pseudo name.
Blessings yall! Happy blogging!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
And so on
I have been working out for a while but I havn't been running. Today I attempted my easy 1.5 mile jog around campus. News for me when it wasn't so easy. I even had to stop and walk. WHAT THE NESS! Good news is I've been working out other ways, walking, swimming, weight lifting. All in all my body looks exactly the same. Haha, go figure. Ah, well, we can't have it all...
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
If I Were A Boy
Sometimes I wish I were more of a boy. Boys are so easily detached from the things they do. I'm finding more and more how often I have to mentally stop and remind myself that I can't be attached to something emotionally. It's a bit much to always have to be checking yourself. But on the other hand, great writers are those who have a come to an agreement with their emotions and can attach and detach for some fine mingled writing... Someday. Someday that'll be me. Just not today.
Monday, October 1, 2007
My Poor Babies
It's been a while since I've been here! MAN I miss it. I don't even know where to begin. If I just post a blog like I did a month ago it will feel artificial because it has been so long. But if I rattle on like this maybe it will make the transition back into blogging easier. Maybe....
Last night the Eagles LOST. We were sacked a total of 12 times. I could say that all of our best players were on the sidelines with injuries... but truthfully I don't think it would have mattered. We were slaughtered. And now the Eagles will take their BYE week and hopefully put it to some good use with some skill rejuvenation. It's looking like a bad season regardless... The bottom of the totum pole. Ho Hum. Life goes on...
Last night the Eagles LOST. We were sacked a total of 12 times. I could say that all of our best players were on the sidelines with injuries... but truthfully I don't think it would have mattered. We were slaughtered. And now the Eagles will take their BYE week and hopefully put it to some good use with some skill rejuvenation. It's looking like a bad season regardless... The bottom of the totum pole. Ho Hum. Life goes on...
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To:
Anthony DeStephano writes about the conception process. When you were made there were about half a billion other possibilities of humans that could have come into being (ahem, sperm). And in this slim space of time that is allotted to conceive, that one sperm found that one egg and created you. How slim the chance that any of us are alive! And so he writes...
"From a strictly statistical point of view, your presence on this planet is a miracle. At the very dawn of your life you had to overcome overwhelming odds--odds higher than any you will ever have to face in any other situation. No matter what you may think of yourself now, you are already an "overachiever" of the highest caliber... No matter what ills may befall you in life, no matter what suffering you may be forced to endure, no matter what family or money problems you may eventually have to face, it is imperative that you understand this: You came into this world as a champion. Victory was your starting point." (167, 178)
Today Pastor Dwight Nelsons sermon touched me as it has never done before. Actually the whole service was a significantly powerful, spiritual event. It seemed to be that every person was praising, worshiping and giving of themselves wholehearted and freely. But what struck me the most was what Pastor Nelson seemed to be saying. He spoke to us all, as a whole, about this very subject. About how each of us is chosen to be here. Special, unique, and in a way Champions. Because I sang with the choir I had the opportunity of being on stage. Looking out upon all those listening and attentive faces it was as if we were coming to a realization about race, about position, about status, popularity, and personal success. We are all created equal. We are all here to pursue our individual Divine destiny. Chosen, if you will, to live in this fallen world. Chosen to have choice! The truth in this realization is astounding. Andrews University prides itself on our multicultural campus. We are exquisitely diverse and sometimes saddeningly segregated. Oh what we could do if we were to come together as we do in church, with the powerful act of fellowship. How else are we to conquer our given territory if we do not band together? "A chord of three is not quickly broken." And each of us, given our divine tasks has a destiny to accomplish. We are chosen, and we, each of us, is meant to be here. The message is simple. Beautiful. True.
Here are some quoted texts from the sermon.
"The LORD your God has chosen you." Deuteronomy 7:6-9
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5
"For it pleased God in his kindness to choose me and call me, even before I was born!" Galatians 1:15
"YOu made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb... You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed." Psalm 139:13,16
"As surely as John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus was born with a divine destiny, so were you! Not the same destiny but the same divine chooser who chose you to become the chosen."
-Dwight Nelson
"From a strictly statistical point of view, your presence on this planet is a miracle. At the very dawn of your life you had to overcome overwhelming odds--odds higher than any you will ever have to face in any other situation. No matter what you may think of yourself now, you are already an "overachiever" of the highest caliber... No matter what ills may befall you in life, no matter what suffering you may be forced to endure, no matter what family or money problems you may eventually have to face, it is imperative that you understand this: You came into this world as a champion. Victory was your starting point." (167, 178)
Today Pastor Dwight Nelsons sermon touched me as it has never done before. Actually the whole service was a significantly powerful, spiritual event. It seemed to be that every person was praising, worshiping and giving of themselves wholehearted and freely. But what struck me the most was what Pastor Nelson seemed to be saying. He spoke to us all, as a whole, about this very subject. About how each of us is chosen to be here. Special, unique, and in a way Champions. Because I sang with the choir I had the opportunity of being on stage. Looking out upon all those listening and attentive faces it was as if we were coming to a realization about race, about position, about status, popularity, and personal success. We are all created equal. We are all here to pursue our individual Divine destiny. Chosen, if you will, to live in this fallen world. Chosen to have choice! The truth in this realization is astounding. Andrews University prides itself on our multicultural campus. We are exquisitely diverse and sometimes saddeningly segregated. Oh what we could do if we were to come together as we do in church, with the powerful act of fellowship. How else are we to conquer our given territory if we do not band together? "A chord of three is not quickly broken." And each of us, given our divine tasks has a destiny to accomplish. We are chosen, and we, each of us, is meant to be here. The message is simple. Beautiful. True.
Here are some quoted texts from the sermon.
"The LORD your God has chosen you." Deuteronomy 7:6-9
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5
"For it pleased God in his kindness to choose me and call me, even before I was born!" Galatians 1:15
"YOu made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb... You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed." Psalm 139:13,16
"As surely as John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus was born with a divine destiny, so were you! Not the same destiny but the same divine chooser who chose you to become the chosen."
-Dwight Nelson
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Faith Like Popeye
I'm at AU now. Ali and I journeyed here from PA last Wednesday. After all I went through trying to get my car fixed, packed and on the road I didn't think anything else could go wrong. Once we cleared my home town my goodbyes were done and as far as I was concerned I was at AU. But not so. About three hours into our ten hour drive my car started making crazy weird noises. I swerved from the far left lane over to the shoulder on the right (without taking anyone down with me). I slightly remembered hearing my car thud over something moments before the sound. Before I even got out of my car to look at my rear tire I knew. I even started praying that it wasn't true. It always turns out that you are paranoid about something like a flat tire, but then when you finally get one you realize how truly screwed you are! I had a flat tire. It was completely flat. Like.... dead flat. And not an island of homeland near by. I think that was the worst part, knowing that I was not in my safety net bubble of home/mom/puppy or AU. AKA free falling in the boondies of PA. 
So I panicked. Called mom, realized there was little she could do for me but suggest that I change the tire. ME? Change a TIRE! And there, nearly crying in my blue VW bug with Ali tapping on my window wondering why we stopped, I suddenly had to grow balls. I would liken it to when Popeye downed a can of spinach, you could literally see his muscles sprouting in his arms, legs, and neck. So it might have been with me when I chased away my fear and annoyance by downing a nice tall glass of faith. It's amazing that stuff. Sticks to your insides, puts hair on your chest, what have you. Well whatever it does I now know for sure that it has the power to propel you out of a dire situation.
Ali and I unpacked my overflowing trunk. Found the spare that wasn't a spare at all but a real tire, and proceeded to learn how to use a jack, a wrench and lug nuts. I don't think it could have been more than twenty minutes and we were on the road again. Situation under control; crisis being left in the dirt on the shoulder as we speed off down the highway. Just another hurtle.
And now that I've started school, taken care of various responsibilities, each in which I required varying dosages of faith, I look back on my flat tire experience and wonder, after all that, will I ever walk away from God as the Israelites did? Will I ignore His words and say "where are you God?" or "Where were you when I needed you." The truth is I have, and I will. It's sad, but that's what I'm learning. Faith is something acquired, and I have to keep growing it and really on past situations to feed it's ever growing and changing flames. I don't want to be like an Israelite, always forgetting my Hero. But to get there I guess I need more seat-of-the-pants, in-the-nick-of-time experiences to fall back on and remember. Oh life, what a journey.
And now that I've started school, taken care of various responsibilities, each in which I required varying dosages of faith, I look back on my flat tire experience and wonder, after all that, will I ever walk away from God as the Israelites did? Will I ignore His words and say "where are you God?" or "Where were you when I needed you." The truth is I have, and I will. It's sad, but that's what I'm learning. Faith is something acquired, and I have to keep growing it and really on past situations to feed it's ever growing and changing flames. I don't want to be like an Israelite, always forgetting my Hero. But to get there I guess I need more seat-of-the-pants, in-the-nick-of-time experiences to fall back on and remember. Oh life, what a journey.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
My 28th Day
Oh goodness...
These past few days/weeks I've been pacing. Mentally that is; back and forth over whether I trust Him or not. This mental scale tipping is not something that I would suggest doing if you are in a tight squeeze. The bible specifically tells us not to worry. And I, fighting through a great deal of pride, have been struggling under my own financial burdens. I give it to Him, and then unbeknownst to me, my doubts and abundant trust in money and it's power take over me. That is when I simply take my burden from my saviours hands and lasso it my own back. But what a weight! What a crushing feeling! And He says "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? (Matthew 6:25)"
Then I say "but Lord, how can I acquire these things if I am not thinking about them?"
"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? (Matthew 6:27)"
"I know I shouldn't worry, I just can't see the possibility of avoiding it! Especially when I need these things now!" This is when I get angry. This is when my heart wants to explode because I feel backed into a corner. But Jesus (his name means God with us) is so patient, so ready to answer and console me saying, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)"
And so I present. I tell Him how I am angry, and how I am affected by the waiting process. And He tells me to forget it, and "When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.(Luke 12:11-12)"
Even up till the last moment we are asked to go in faith. Till we are in front of those with authority over the things we need and hold dear. Without His word as a light, as a guide for my feet and path, I would stumble! I would pick my own way and never see what my mustard seed sized faith amounts to in the daylight. So, I will persevere. Simply because He says "Joy comes in in the morning." And since I'm looking at Him and not my own feet or the sky around me, I won't know when morning is until He tells me. Hows that for a dependant relationship? And He would have it no other way...
These past few days/weeks I've been pacing. Mentally that is; back and forth over whether I trust Him or not. This mental scale tipping is not something that I would suggest doing if you are in a tight squeeze. The bible specifically tells us not to worry. And I, fighting through a great deal of pride, have been struggling under my own financial burdens. I give it to Him, and then unbeknownst to me, my doubts and abundant trust in money and it's power take over me. That is when I simply take my burden from my saviours hands and lasso it my own back. But what a weight! What a crushing feeling! And He says "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? (Matthew 6:25)"
Then I say "but Lord, how can I acquire these things if I am not thinking about them?"
"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? (Matthew 6:27)"
"I know I shouldn't worry, I just can't see the possibility of avoiding it! Especially when I need these things now!" This is when I get angry. This is when my heart wants to explode because I feel backed into a corner. But Jesus (his name means God with us) is so patient, so ready to answer and console me saying, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)"
And so I present. I tell Him how I am angry, and how I am affected by the waiting process. And He tells me to forget it, and "When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.(Luke 12:11-12)"
Even up till the last moment we are asked to go in faith. Till we are in front of those with authority over the things we need and hold dear. Without His word as a light, as a guide for my feet and path, I would stumble! I would pick my own way and never see what my mustard seed sized faith amounts to in the daylight. So, I will persevere. Simply because He says "Joy comes in in the morning." And since I'm looking at Him and not my own feet or the sky around me, I won't know when morning is until He tells me. Hows that for a dependant relationship? And He would have it no other way...
Monday, August 20, 2007
Hanson Place SDA
These pictures are all from Saturday. I had the chance to sing at the Hanson Place SDA church in Brooklyn and it was amazing. We really had a great time. It's not to often that you get the chance to put on a concert with two other artists that you love and respect. Further more, it's not often that these two artists attended the same academy and toured in the same choir as you. Terrel and Ali are brilliant God fearing performers, artists, and writers. Sharing a stage with them was an honor. It was a nice finale (thank you Jesus) for a summer of random performances and blessings.
After the concert (magnificently MCed by Nevy and his cousin), we all headed out to Juniors for dinner. It was great parading up the streets of Brooklyn with people that I hadn't shared company with in years. All of us crowded at a table passing around bowls of pickles, corn bread, and cheese cake. Laughing and joking over hulking meaty burgers and mounds of french fries. It very well could have been a table in the cafe at BMA, or even at Andrews for that matter. How small our world of Adventism really is. Good Times. Enjoy the pics.
Terrel Jamin, switching from piano to guitar and then back (like a pro)
Ali and I traded off so that we could have a chance to talk about ASK, our artist sponsorship program.
Ali started off the whole night. Which is quite brave because you never know how an audience is going to warm up or respond to you at first contact. Kudos to Ali!
Ali and Terrel before the concert.
Some of the crew that met us at Juniors
....and Ali
GIP! THis is Trisha, my favorite ever.
Edson and Ali. Edson played drums for Terrel. What skill what skill.
That's me sneaking into Nevy and Arthurs ganstER posing pic. Arthur came all the way from Boston to chill with us. Hahah good times.Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Apply Grace Here
I am at my whit's end. I need some grace. I could go for some mercy. And if it's available, I'll have some divinely prepared TLC.
Keep me in your prayers. Please
Keep me in your prayers. Please
Monday, August 13, 2007
Exciting Things!
The Philadelphia Eagles: Our chance to return to glory! Let the season BEGIN! I've already been sporting my #5 McNabb jersey. Hopefully soon I will aquire Westbrook's blazing #36. All in good time.
Harry Potter: Utterly obsessed with JK Rowling. What a brilliant woman. So glad/so sad to get my hands on the 7th and last Harry Potter. Boo hoorah! The book was AMAZING, as promised. JKR does promise a HP encyclopedia. For crazed fans that is (aka me). Not in the near future, but eventually. And if you find yourself craving some exclusive Harry Potter conversation over the Deathly Hollows visit PotterCast. It is a haven.
SCHOOL!: Oh horah! When I think of AU I think SOCIAL LIFE! One major thing I traded in when I took my sabbatical here in the hills of PA. Although family is a nice plus, and *sigh they will be missed...
Harry Potter: Utterly obsessed with JK Rowling. What a brilliant woman. So glad/so sad to get my hands on the 7th and last Harry Potter. Boo hoorah! The book was AMAZING, as promised. JKR does promise a HP encyclopedia. For crazed fans that is (aka me). Not in the near future, but eventually. And if you find yourself craving some exclusive Harry Potter conversation over the Deathly Hollows visit PotterCast. It is a haven.
SCHOOL!: Oh horah! When I think of AU I think SOCIAL LIFE! One major thing I traded in when I took my sabbatical here in the hills of PA. Although family is a nice plus, and *sigh they will be missed...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Take Me Away
As you know, we flew to Houston in First Class. It's amazing how God works. We were flying down the highway due to poorly measured time. Apparently we had allotted too little for the tasks between leaving home and boarding the plain. But as we stood at our boarding gate, milling around with the other travelers, sweat dripping from our foreheads, we sought out two seats in the overly crowded waiting area. Just as we sank comfortably into the booty rounded seats our names were called over the loud speakers. In an airport, this usually isn't the best thing is it? Well we regathered our belongings and ventured up to the front to learn that we were, in fact, to be standing under the arrow that read "Elite Passengers" rather than the long twisting line of the "Other Cargo." And there it was. From Baltimore to Memphis (my birth place!) and Memphis to Houston we were offered special edible treats, grinning stewards running up and down the isles securing that our comfort levels remained at an all time high, while we remained in euphoria. Of course we complemented them by wearing nice big grins, symbolic of our grandiose seats with more than ample allotments of leg room; all the while wondering how on earth we went from racing on a slim and slender hope that our plane hadn't already left us to soaring Elitely over the many Southern and Western states that separate Houston from Baltimore.From the airport we then ventured off to find our rental car. Seeing as how we had wagered Priceline.com down to $14 a day we figured our car would be a little put-put crapper. Low and behold (we honestly should have known), God's plans are ultimately bigger. It was true, that we had stepped out in the unknown realms that Faith often requires you to journey into. Going to Houston with only prayers that we would each be successful in our chosen tasks. God not only met us there, He flew along the whole way! When we wheeled our luggage into the car rental place we discovered that our car was a new 2007 VW Rabbit. Gentle audience, know that I am in love with anything graced with that precious V and W duo on it's hood. Naturally, I was in a locomotive heaven
One would think that the A++ treatment stops here. On the contrary! We then drove to our splendiforous hotel! Online it was a 3 star Hilton off in some corner of Houston. When we arrived it was a Four and a half star hotel, in which we had a gi-mungous room complete with a balcony that overlooked all of starry glistening Houston.
Then next day in church we discovered that our hotel was actually central to all of Houstons finest shopping. Haha.. Sunday we sought out for a beach where we could sit and read our books. (yes mom and I are dorky librarians. deal.) When we finally arrived on the beach we discovered, to our utter amazement, that we had faltered upon the Golf of Mexico. Amazing aye? And all from the works of One God.
Me singing on Sabbath
Me and mom at the Gulf
Venturing off to find a good reading perch
Remember all my prayers of finding tuition for school? School starts in 2 weeks and checks come in every day. How great is my God? Truly, how Great?
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Elite Class
Houston is BRILLIANT. Consider me sold.
I've only been here a day and I'm in love, not only with the city but with the people.
GOD IS SO BIG! Miracle after Miracle, I can't even begin... My heart is so full. He brought us here for sure (mom and me, that is).
For starters, we rode first class. That's me and mom enjoying our preferred seating to the left there. Ha Ha. And that's just the beginning of the many perks we've been treated to on this trip. More on that when I get back to muggy PA though. For now, I'm livin in unexpected but very welcome bliss. Wish you were me? Yes? Yeah, I know...
I've only been here a day and I'm in love, not only with the city but with the people.
GOD IS SO BIG! Miracle after Miracle, I can't even begin... My heart is so full. He brought us here for sure (mom and me, that is).
For starters, we rode first class. That's me and mom enjoying our preferred seating to the left there. Ha Ha. And that's just the beginning of the many perks we've been treated to on this trip. More on that when I get back to muggy PA though. For now, I'm livin in unexpected but very welcome bliss. Wish you were me? Yes? Yeah, I know...
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