homin shpringin

Ah Spring BREAK!
It always surprises me how great it feels to be home.

Emanuel

If God is love I assume that when we show love to one another we open a pathway for God to intercede in our lives. It is a bridge. A vein, however thin it might be, stretched between two solid beings. That's all he needs to be the blood pumping through and thus proving the world around that much more His than the Other Side's. God is love. Through our actions in the most dire situations we are vessels: we are creator's just like him in that we choose to create these veins. "Emanuel." That is what we call Him. "God with us."

we stray so far from eden

It's hard on your mind to believe that catastrophe is right around the corner.
What am I so afraid of?
I used to believe that doom was waiting for me, but I realize that I don't have to be afraid. It's just life. My only regret is that we don't get to live this twice. Only one time through so catch the peep show now. It's literally do or die.
So now that I'm set on doing instead of cowering... or measuring out my days with the relativity of time, I think I'm pealing off the layers of scared and stepping out my window legs and ass first. Or maybe shoulders and arms first. One never knows with these things. After all it's just life.

I used to think that I had to be farther along in my success by now, or that there was a special trick you had to pull to make it all come together. I used to think that success came with straining life through a purifier. But you can't strain life. You don't get to sift through it and find all the goodness and keep it for yourself. Life isn't a skittles bag... if it were I'd only eat red. But I guess it's all there. The success, the pain, the crappy beginnings (like living in BS town).

we stray so far from eden. i guess that's why he came back for us. so that we could put him in our pockets and carry him around. i think i'm ready. to carry him around. who'da thought it would all be so portable... haha...

whose a bean?

To my SupaDoopa,

Although I try to be a coffee bean... sometimes I feel like a carrot. And with other things I've often fought not to be an egg...
But what matters most is probably my inability to change the process of being boiled. Because life is doled out in seasons. It roles, it takes effect, and those chemical reactions are simply that; chemical.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
I understand the adversity will come. I know we each have our time. I believe that I'm in a valley, and might complain at the distance, the terrain, the lack of scenery, or just the length of time passing.
But as long as I have choice- which is the unconditional element in this chemical reaction -I can make my carrot faze or my egg-like haze
into coffeeee
strong, aromatic, coffee.

Thanks for the story. I almost didn't read it ;)

life in the raw

only yesterday i lived life in the hypothetical; life, if you will, in the assumed position.
today that all has stopped. i'm back to the center; the center, if you will, of my me
humbled to be level headed, again.
without extremes, if's, and's, but's, or supposedly so's.
just life in the raw.
my defenses were blown away.
what's left is fragile.
not quite up for the battle, but willing to see it through
it's good, life that is. it's good and some of it's bad
but that's ok too.
life in the hypothetical was yesterdays news
and now.
now i'm back to living.
just me and my me in the unassumed position.

ashes ashes

ring around the roses
pocket full of posies
ashes ashes
we all fall down

i'm a wimp

just happy

Have you ever felt like God gave you a gift? I feel that way. Like he set it up in my path ages ago and I've just come around to realizing I wanted it. I can't help thinking, "Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will open. Seek and you will find." I think that when God has put something in your path and he wants you to have it, you simply have to follow those three little steps. ask. seek. knock.
For the first time in my spiritual walk I can honestly say I connect with David on a new level. In the book of Psalms he's always going on and on about exalting God. He says even God's name is music to his ears. He loves to hear his name spoken.
I feel that way about God. Hearing other people say his name and their stories of trust in him makes me all tingly inside. It's like being in love. I've never experienced these feelings for God. But he's so beautiful to me. I love him. I really truly love him.
That love makes me think he can do anything with my life. Anything at all and I know I will be happy. He's in charge. I've never been so happy about not being in control.

live through this

Matthew 9:16-17
"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from teh garment, making the tear worse. Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."

the Stars
"Live through this, and you won't look back."
"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set soul on fire."

Anne Sexton
"My faith is a thin wire"

Dido
"Have you got it in you?"

Anis
"Shake the dust."

Me
"To be movers and shakers, we have to light up the darkness."

little celebration

Today I learned that I might be getting a distribution deal for my CD. If everything goes smoothly If I Fall will be sold along with my devotional in ABC stores nationwide. Can I get an amen? It's as if a little beam of Son grabbed a machete and hacked it's way through those looming storm clouds hovering over my life. All I needed was a little mustard seed sized portion of Son to get me through. *Ah, I will get there.

...etc...

Maybe life is doled out in cycles. When I was a kid about seven or eight years old I used to cry about everything. I got over it because my parents wouldn't take it anymore. But now I'm a grown ass woman and I'm doing it again. I don't know why, but I break down. Sometimes I suck it up. Well most times I suck it up, but today I feel defeated. Life hurts, man. It hurts real bad. Mom says to have hope because nothing lasts forever. *sigh... how long is forever?

Hope is water to the seed of Faith

This semester sucks. Life as an adult sucks. These are strong statements but I need to gripe if just for a moment.
I'm not in school. I lost my job today. I didn't get payed and won't get payed for another 2 weeks. The bank is holding a personal check of mine. I found out my license has been suspended and that I have to mail it in for 20 days at which time they will mail it to Pennsylvania (not Michigan where I am) because Penndot doesn't mail outside of the state. I live off of oatmeal and canned chicken and my church job is going down in flames. *sigh...
But then I read that quote that I put on here by Goethe. Then I read all about the return of my Me. Now I remember why I am here. I feel like an Israelite put in the desert by God. These are all tests and I just have to keep moving forward. I will get to the Promised Land and it will be worth all of the character grooming this shit-hole-adult-life is putting me through.
*Sigh *Woosaw *God is Bigger *God is Bigger *God is Bigger

My me

I'm not in school this semester. I'm graduating in the fall instead of May, which means summer school. That was something I thought I would never do. I thought it was a mistake, that after the dust from kick-start attempt at registration had settled some miraculous something would have kept me in school, pushing my nose back to the grinding stone. But something even more fulfilling has happened in the absence of that miracle. I've found myself again. I found my me. But one might ask, how was my me ever lost?
Well I think it happens to us all. In exchange for higher education, stability, and well... life, we are all asked to trade something in. After all, nothing is free. And some of what we give for education, stability, and life is sometimes very good to give up. But I'm afraid that the giving just doesn't stop there. It's more of a steady stream. While the education and worldly wisdom flows in, parts of ourselves stream out. We become stronger in ways we never thought possible, but are left with that glassy-eyed look. As if we've lost something, or are constantly looking to distant shores for anything that might be more.
Well, I believe that in all of that knowledge and character building I forsook a huge part of myself. In the hustle and bustle of credits, graduation, and well again, life, my me was somehow lost. It was a wayward stone, a jewel by the road side of my own life. And backtracking through the woods I all but forgot that it had fallen from my heart. And then, "Whats's this?" I saw it, sticking out from the bottom of a rock. I picked it up, dusted it off, gave it a shine with the edge of my t-shirt, and fit it back to my heart.
Who would have thought that something so disheartening, like failing to register the final semester of my senior year could turn out to be so perfect. I've gone from the loss of my grinding stone, to the restoration of a precious stone, a relic, my ruby and diamond; my me.
So what has my me done? Well I'm writing again. I'm singing again. I'm imagining, playing, laughing, and loving again. How could I have gone so long without my me? How?

"Hide It Under a Bushel, No"

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. " ~Goethe

Somehow, somewhere I was convinced that I was a fool for dreaming big. Maybe it was because I felt this giant thing in my heart and could not see it in other people's eyes, so I thought it might be wrong or ill placed. That's the way children think and come to know life. It is through the constant grooming and correcting of the adult world around them that forms their minds. But now I see my mistake. Because it is not through my shying away from brilliance that will help open this world to possibilities. It is through my steady pursuit of it.
Through faith, perseverance, and the refusal to compromise our individuality, we can change the world. We can be the light for those who follow.

I'm Hungry!

I'm on a new diet for the new year. Yeah, orignal, I know. But it's become one of those things I just have to do.
(cue music)"dun dun dun, or else."
It's going to be kick ass hard, but I just keep telling myself that I'm an Israelite that needs to get through the dessert to the promised land.
"ah, I will get there."

dreamin of a small wire

Lately I've been writing grad applications. Lately I've been reading Anne Sexton. I'm not a poetry kind of gal, but I like her. And I love her.

They say that when the economy is bad people apply to grad school in the masses. And these words are pointed at me to say in a round about way that my once slim chance of getting in to grad school are even slimmer now. Is it my fault? I stand and I wait to feel my natural reaction come. I dig deep inside and I feel the dirt there and think that maybe I should be ashamed. I also feel the dirt and see that maybe I should back down and change my plans. And I dust that dirt off because I simply can't do those things. There is silver wire buried under those things. I grasp it with the tips of my fingers and then my whole hand. With a tug I feel that it's tied tight to my dream. I feel it strong and whole. It is taught and I pull it up with a spattering of those dirty things and let it lay above the ground. It will lead me to my dream. And as long as the wire is there the masses cannot stop me from completing my journey.

SMALL WIRE by ANNE SEXTON
My faith
is a great weight
hung on a small wire,
as doth the spider
hang her baby on a thin web,
as doth the vine,
twiggy and wooden,
hold up grapes like eyeballs,
as many angels
dance on the head of a pin.

God does not need
too much wire to keep Him there,
just a thin vein,
with blood pushing back and forth in it,
and some love.
As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.
So if you have only a thin wire,
God does not mind.
He will enter your hands
as easily as ten cents used to
bring for a Coke.

this time it's different

Life is so fluid its hard to notice gradual change. But have you ever felt time slow around you? As if it were to congeal like jello. And your thoughts too, are easier to read and understand. I feel like that. I feel that some omnipotent hand has taken the rat race I've been running and hit the freeze frame button. And now with a finger waving at me I know that times are changing. That the Omnipotent power has told me to change.
In the frozen jello frame I've begun to peal back my layers like petals. He didn't ask me, he told me. And the strangest thing is I knew it was coming. If he had told me to change some three months ago I couldn't have. Because it wasn't possible back then.
And now? The light was flicked on, the power was plugged in, the gun was sounded in the race and once again I'm going through the fluidity of life. But this time in a new and wonderful direction. With his words He's changed me.

A rush of brilliance

"Remember, remember, the fifth of November."
A quote from V for Vendetta, a Hollywood film. But the phrase will ring on in my heart as long as I can look back and remember the day that an African American became president of the United States of America.
It pains me to feel this joy inside and not be able to share it with some of my closest friends. They do not understand the magnitude of this day. Because it is this day that signifies a change in earths history forever. Today we are not blacks and whites united under a flag, we are American's United under a common goal of succeeding
Not only is Obama's most humble place in office the greatest thing to happen to the minority struggle, it is the greatest thing to happen to the moral of the world. Now when people look at American's they will not see the rich, the white, and the privileged. Rather they can look at us and see that we are just like them. We are a nation who CAN overcome our differences and turn to hope. For us it is no longer about our ignorance, it is about our acceptance that if we are to be leaders of the world, we have to do it with our eyes open and our ears alert. And I believe that we as a united force have chosen a leader who will hold us to that standard.
I'm so filled with awe.... This is kind of like a Disney movie. But it's real and it's happened just now in my lifetime. Who would have thought the day would come... I just wish my friends could see it this way.

i'm working on my first book. its a devotional. up until this point i thought i knew how to write. turns out i'm just learning. and the learning is mostly restraining myself from spewing chunks of raw information onto my carefully sculpted masterpiece. taking charge of the swell of writers energy inside of me is like trying to tame and ride a lightning bolt. *sigh. how do those great writers do it? this process makes me appreciate their work so much more. but hey, that said with the faith that i will get there soon as well. ah, i will get there.

move over

is the spell finally broken? are blacks shaking off the dust that makes them more likely to blend in with the terrorists than be considered for high power jobs? i know that racism is considered to be abolished, and i know it will be for my kids. but recently i've seen the the color of the thumb that's clogging the entry way for all minorities. and now, through the footsteps of obama and other black leaders, i think we're finally crawling out from the drain.

grad school? maybe?

i can't believe i'm still in school. actually i can. but why can't i be done already? *sigh... next up, boston u. cross yo' fingers