little celebration

Today I learned that I might be getting a distribution deal for my CD. If everything goes smoothly If I Fall will be sold along with my devotional in ABC stores nationwide. Can I get an amen? It's as if a little beam of Son grabbed a machete and hacked it's way through those looming storm clouds hovering over my life. All I needed was a little mustard seed sized portion of Son to get me through. *Ah, I will get there.

...etc...

Maybe life is doled out in cycles. When I was a kid about seven or eight years old I used to cry about everything. I got over it because my parents wouldn't take it anymore. But now I'm a grown ass woman and I'm doing it again. I don't know why, but I break down. Sometimes I suck it up. Well most times I suck it up, but today I feel defeated. Life hurts, man. It hurts real bad. Mom says to have hope because nothing lasts forever. *sigh... how long is forever?

Hope is water to the seed of Faith

This semester sucks. Life as an adult sucks. These are strong statements but I need to gripe if just for a moment.
I'm not in school. I lost my job today. I didn't get payed and won't get payed for another 2 weeks. The bank is holding a personal check of mine. I found out my license has been suspended and that I have to mail it in for 20 days at which time they will mail it to Pennsylvania (not Michigan where I am) because Penndot doesn't mail outside of the state. I live off of oatmeal and canned chicken and my church job is going down in flames. *sigh...
But then I read that quote that I put on here by Goethe. Then I read all about the return of my Me. Now I remember why I am here. I feel like an Israelite put in the desert by God. These are all tests and I just have to keep moving forward. I will get to the Promised Land and it will be worth all of the character grooming this shit-hole-adult-life is putting me through.
*Sigh *Woosaw *God is Bigger *God is Bigger *God is Bigger

My me

I'm not in school this semester. I'm graduating in the fall instead of May, which means summer school. That was something I thought I would never do. I thought it was a mistake, that after the dust from kick-start attempt at registration had settled some miraculous something would have kept me in school, pushing my nose back to the grinding stone. But something even more fulfilling has happened in the absence of that miracle. I've found myself again. I found my me. But one might ask, how was my me ever lost?
Well I think it happens to us all. In exchange for higher education, stability, and well... life, we are all asked to trade something in. After all, nothing is free. And some of what we give for education, stability, and life is sometimes very good to give up. But I'm afraid that the giving just doesn't stop there. It's more of a steady stream. While the education and worldly wisdom flows in, parts of ourselves stream out. We become stronger in ways we never thought possible, but are left with that glassy-eyed look. As if we've lost something, or are constantly looking to distant shores for anything that might be more.
Well, I believe that in all of that knowledge and character building I forsook a huge part of myself. In the hustle and bustle of credits, graduation, and well again, life, my me was somehow lost. It was a wayward stone, a jewel by the road side of my own life. And backtracking through the woods I all but forgot that it had fallen from my heart. And then, "Whats's this?" I saw it, sticking out from the bottom of a rock. I picked it up, dusted it off, gave it a shine with the edge of my t-shirt, and fit it back to my heart.
Who would have thought that something so disheartening, like failing to register the final semester of my senior year could turn out to be so perfect. I've gone from the loss of my grinding stone, to the restoration of a precious stone, a relic, my ruby and diamond; my me.
So what has my me done? Well I'm writing again. I'm singing again. I'm imagining, playing, laughing, and loving again. How could I have gone so long without my me? How?

"Hide It Under a Bushel, No"

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. " ~Goethe

Somehow, somewhere I was convinced that I was a fool for dreaming big. Maybe it was because I felt this giant thing in my heart and could not see it in other people's eyes, so I thought it might be wrong or ill placed. That's the way children think and come to know life. It is through the constant grooming and correcting of the adult world around them that forms their minds. But now I see my mistake. Because it is not through my shying away from brilliance that will help open this world to possibilities. It is through my steady pursuit of it.
Through faith, perseverance, and the refusal to compromise our individuality, we can change the world. We can be the light for those who follow.