bee my apple's

today i worked at the bee of appples. i wore the uniform, complete with slip resistant shoes. it was ok. i'm sure the job isn't to taxing for me to display my brilliance. secret shopper? bring it on!

what's really great about working there is knowing that off in the country of OK there is a wifey doing the same job as i, in the same family restaurant. joy...

i'll get the hang of it. I WILL!

The Breakup (sans vince vaughn & jennifer aniston)

Friday night I broke up with Adam. I was surprised at how easy it really was. Though the mental process of working myself up to completing the task was quite taxing. I remember being at the gym 4 hours before the phone call. The machines that I work out on all have hand sensors so that you can manage your heart rate according to your exercise requirements (140-160=weight loss, 160-180=cardio fitness... bla bla) And every time the music on my Ipod came to a lull I would remember the task I had set myself to and noticed how the heart rate meter on the exercise machine spiked for two or three seconds and then resumed it's previous pattern. Even without the sensors tracking my hearts progress I could feel my chest skip ahead in rhythm. At some moments my breath was completely lost to me.
I don't believe many people laugh through their break ups, much less call back to make sure everything is OK with their immediate ex... But that's how it went. I must say that upon the click of the phone I felt lighter. I even felt silly that I was grinning, kind of like laughing at a funeral... Do people do that? Is it OK? As naturally as we fell into it, we fell out of it. *sigh...
Well we are still friends. It's hard to sum up and return 6 months of steady communication with one person, so the census on the relationship mutually gathered by the both of us was, "not now..." **sigh whatever that means, right?
I just know that there are things I have to do for me right now. (Tending to life...) And if I don't see him sooner, say at a dinosaur museum in NYC, then I'll see him in a months time at the JT concert in New Jersey.
It is what it is. And I quote from 13 Going On 30 starring Jennifer Garner "Love is a battle field ladies!" hahahaa... and of course, the laughter must go on.

Shout Out

This is a shout out to the great loves in my life.
This is a declaration of my appreciation
This is a show and tell, a recognition of much deserved accolades

I owe my sanity to my Wifey. Wificus Maximus. Becky. ReBekah Anne Bickerstat. Rebekh
I owe my light hearted laughter to A-Lace. Adam Lacey Panties. Adament.
I owe my easy conversations to Buddy, Budah, Buddy the Great, Boodwah.
I owe spontaneous deep indulgences to Ali, Alison, Ali Poo, AliSone, Shwatzenager

Not to forget those who just help me along, unnecessarily wonderfully loving me in the smallest and largest friendship ways.. mole, nunz, yves, jb, adrianne, kayla, kyla, shaun, ale, adam

Life is Bigger because you share yourselves with me. And so you see, I know without a doubt, that I am blessed. God has smiled on me.

i've learned a lesson

Have you ever noticed how dirty life is? It's so gritty... and to get anywhere you have to go through the poop of it all. When God made flowers, he really knew what this world would be for us. Daisies, Dandelions turned white, and Tulips. Crazy beautiful flowers. But they all grow from the dirt; the grit. They claim their spots in this world by shoving their little heads from between rocks and roots, leaves and weeds, searching for the sun. Sometimes I feel like a flower, before it's become anything. The one that is still a seed under all the dirt and grime of life. But like a flower, the seed is well equipped with the knowledge that if you keep your nose pointed towards the Sun, and let your roots soak up as much good as they can find from the gritty soil, your journey will allow you to bloom spectacularly. It's sad though, that flowers have such short existences. To try so hard, succeed so wonderfully, and then fade away so readily can make you think the process is not worth the effort. Maybe even to consider the prolonged yet useless existance of a weed. But that's what life is, isn't it? Just temporary. Beauty never lasts and the struggle is all we know. If we try to hold on to the beauty, it's like saying we claim this earth; this empty and disposable home. It's worth it though, right? To be a flower is a great and wonderful thing. I also think that being able to let go is a great and wonderful thing. But that's just what I've learned from flowers...

good things

Because I have to wake up at 7am to take mom to work, I console myself knowing that by the time i get home I'll have just enough time to find some breakfast and settle down to watch As Told By Ginger. I love that cartoon.

Cadburry Eggs are from heaven. HEAVEN

I start work Sunday.

God is bigger than the Boogy Man.

Oh Dear Me

Ever since baby Vany came into our lives the over all mood in the house has been just a little bit lighter for everyone, except Alexus. She's just plane jealous. Since when does a family dog have emotion enough to be jealous of a baby? I don't know. I'm not even sure she knows entirely what is swaddled in the bundle of blankets that raptures our attention. Attention that has rightfully been given to her for the past month and a half. Alexus has found polite energetic ways to harass Vany. Viola and I left the room for a brief moment only to come back to find Alexus, hind legs on couch, front paws hanging over the edge of the babies bassinet, sniffing and licking at whatever article of clothing or flesh came in contact with her snout. We are convinced that if we had come any later the puppy would have descended into the babies bed and launched herself into a condescending lecture composed of sniffing, licking, nose prodding, and barking. Silly thing. As if to say "I am the Queen of this Coop!" hahahahaa. Silly puppy, cribs are for kids...

loveMEleaveMEletMEbeLONELY

i've decided that it's about time i made friends at school. honestly, it was great to be a loner for a while but i'm not built this way! i'm meant for social butterflying and many a moments pleasure found in anothers immediate attention and comradery. *sigh, but then again, i'm enjoying my freedom. maybe what i really want is an acquaintance. just a tiny flirtation of interest from another soul. maybe a giggle here, an expectant smiling face there... someone to notice when i show up to class. *sigh. must myspace be my only friend?!

one up

you know what i like? i like that i never know what i'm going to be doing the next day. it's a nice change

what's a gal to do

POTENTIAL CAREERS:

• Opera Singer
• Broadway Performer
• Touring Vocal Artist
• Writer of Grand and Wondrous Things
• Music Therapist
• Accountant (hahah, got ya!)
• ...or i could... work at blockbuster for the rest of my life

So my convenient prayer is for God to push me in a direction. I prayed that and then I got a new guitar. Haha, maybe that was more my doing than His. But GOLLY, what IS a person to DO?

Just Wait

Viola gave birth to Vernica Hope today at 5:50pm. She's beautiful. A little over 7 pounds. Imagine that...

small thoughts

Mom woke me up at 2am to go to the hospital with Viola. We were there till around 4:30 before they sent us home again. That was the 2nd time we showed up and the baby wasn't ready. HoHum. Today mom left again with Viola at 7am, after a long sleepless night. And now we wait.

Something happened while we were at the hospital early this morning. I noticed how nice the RN who was taking care of Viola was. It seems to be that nurses and doctors are generally nice people (gasp? yeah i know..). I used to hate hospitals. In fact I never ever wanted to work in one. (still not convinced) But for the first time I saw what a hospital really is. It's not the bad lighting, the tiled floors and long corridors. It's not the dials and the equipment and bio hazard trash cans. Not at all. It's the people. I've been going to a hand therapist for my football injured pinky for about a month and the Doctor keeps saying that his work isn't an exact science. Well it seems to be that it can also be said for all of medicine. Watching shows like House, Scrubs, and Grays Anatomy really proves that doctors and nurses do a whole lot of guess work. The friendly RN last night commented on how she was a happy to be a baby nurse. At one point she had switched to the Chemo Therapy ward and left after finding it to depressing. Wow, these people have feeeelings?! It's not just blood, guts, bandages, and dosages measured out in "cc's" (yeah, i don't know). I have NEVER been interested in medicine, but finally seeing past the sterile hospital haze of cold instruments and gloved hands gives me a new respect for these people... and just one more thing to think about.

The Big Scheme

In the realm of understanding life and the process of living we mustn't forget that
We are, after all, just humans...

Been Around the WORLD

This weekend I had the great opportunity to go visit my cousin in Massa. I had been wanting to, but so many things seemed to be working against me. I'm glad it worked out because we really had a great time. He was able to show me around the music building at AUC. Gosh, that building is so pretty. Then we frolicked in the snow and took pictures of each other. Yes, we are that special. HaHa.
Anthony has a friend up there so I didn't have to travel the 6 hours alone. Neither did I have to pay for the whole trip. Ah road trips, what a blast.
Originally Adam was supposed to go to his parents house in NYC but fatigue lead him to stay home. Which was great because I got to spend a whopping 3 hours with him. He took me to see Because I said So, ha, there will be more on that on my movie page later.
All in all it was a great trip. In an hour I'm leaving for Indiana and will return tomorrow. I love spending time in Pedro. This is great bonding time but there is a looming possibility that I will be bored out of my mind. 11 hours in a car alone can be great therapy, but not something i'm thrilled about right now. Ah, pray for me...

MA

I love Massa

crawl wALk RUN

You know, one of the best things about being creative me is knowing that my mother supports me. I know that my dad had a tough time getting his parents to see his dream. Unlike me, he knew what he wanted. And when he finally did leave his safety blanket of an Adventist college he found himself in a fantastic art program behind a camera. His love. In art studios drawing nude models. The sad thing is that it was forbidden fruit and he eventually had to give it up. Mom has more faith in me than I have in myself. I find that sometimes I need her strength. But it's about time isn't it, that I used my own? If I were a puppet I believe now would be the time for me to snip my Pinocchio strings and become a real boy (ahem, girl). Why is it so hard to step out of my safety zone? At least like dad I've taken one huge step. And now, for the next. God, help me...

Meet Jane EF341SC

Today I bought a new guitar. It's my fourth one, and so far my favorite. Both acoustic and electric. I'm still striving for that grand day when I will own a guiltless $3,000 Taylor, but for now my wonderful Takamine will help me become professional enough to reach that goal. Sadly enough I had to trade in both Eva May (my electric Fender) and Justice (my acoustic Washburn) to get her. Which is fitting because Jane is an acoustic/ electric (sigh, the best of both worlds). Gosh she sounds great. Not quite as deep as a Martin, but she sings like a Taylor and has a great plug in system. Not only that but a built in tuner that will come in handy on stage. Everyone, meet Jane.

Ups & Downs

"All that I've found through the Ups & the Downs is that I'd have it no other way," is the beginning of a song that has pretty much tackled my day. The song, originally written by Kendal Payne made me stop in my mental tracks today. At the gym I tend to skip over songs that don't support my adrenaline rush, such as this one. But this morning, while I pumped my legs and sweated profusely I began to focus on the lyrics. And honestly, it's quite true. There are so many things that can pull me in so many different directions all day long; some throw me up, some crush me down, and others just blow me away. "Life in the raw is both fragile and strong, it's both lovely and ugly the same." At night when I open my bible or bow my head to pray it doesn't make a difference what disappointed me, or what seemingly innocent celebration came with a finely printed price tag. "Who can attest for when their at their best all their worst is still crouching close behind." I think living is the conscious act of allowing the reality to wash over me, both good and bad finding their places in the tetris of my life. "It's coming to peace with a darkness in me that allows the true light inside to shine." In the end God reminds me that it's just not worth the effort to worry. "So let it go we are still far from home, if you try and you try to escape." I don't think Kendal Payne was the first or will ever be the last to say it, but in the middle of my routine exercises I found these words to be startlingly true. "To live and to love will always be dangerous but it's better than playing it safe."

Le'ts Go

Gym Class Heroes are playing in Philly and NY at the end of February, maybe me and Anthony can go see them.